Time to deal with it or run away

So today as left me and Joe at the awkward place of walking away from yet another fight. 

I get that I was wrong for snooping for so long. I hated it and it wasn't me at all. I created this false sense of security by knowing everything that went on but really I was damaging something I was trying to protect for almost three years now. I ruined the trust in our relationship...even though he may have been lying to me in the past at least I believed him about it. Now I catch him in STUPID, POINTLESS lies and everything is so much harder. I wish I was more naive and I wish I didn't do anything I did in terms of Joe in the past year. I begged for a boy that didn't want me and I pushed myself into his life. 

I created a mess. 

And now everything is as close to perfect as I could ask for, well almost. We are officially together and we are loving each other all up again. The only hard part is that I have trouble believing everything. I was so crazy about this guy that I made myself believe everything I wanted. I believed that he loved me when he left and I believed that it was all a mistake when he was going after someone else. For some reason all of that has left me unsure about everything other than how I feel. I don't trust anything anymore. I barely trust that he loves me at all. I know that its a lie and he cares about me very deeply but how do I move forward?

I drove to work this morning reliving the Elyse situation. How is it even possible that I survived with that much hurt in my chest. It's one thing for someone to leave and find someone else but its another to be there putting yourself through it all just to feel close to him. I was an idiot. Even if he loves me more and it was all a mistake I was stupid to sit by and watch it. I was stupid to change a guy that was so blatantly running away from me and never looking back. I sometimes worry if my love for him turned into a need at that point. 

It's hard to explain how I feel to other people because most days I feel like I found the guy I want to spend forever with. Then there are days like today where I don't know if the damage will ever let me go. We both made a lot of mistakes and I wish the past three years had gone much smoother, but they didn't and I cant change a second of it. Is this where I am supposed to be or was my plan supposed to be different. Were the signs of obvious pain meant for me to run away or suffer through for the guy I love?

I thought it was to prove my strength.

I think I was wrong. I look to my friends and people I trust but they don't understand how I feel. I just want someone who knows what its like to find someone like Joe and understand what he does to me. He makes me happy and honestly I would do anything in the world for him. I can see my future with him and I can also see the short-term being really happy too. I need to learn how to forgive him. 

I've been complaining for a long time about how insecure I feel and how badly I miss my confidence. Well I chose this life. I chose Joe and if I were to do it all over again I would choose the same. Whether he ends up being my husband or just an amazing memory he is a part of my life that I get to decide how long I can keep it for (given mutual feelings of course). He is my Joe and I am his girl. I'm gonna keep it that way as long as I can or until he does something that pushes me away. Here is my chance to be confident. Here is my shot to prove I love him. He needs to see how bad it hurt me and then he needs to see how much I love him because I am willing to put it away to save us. I love him with all my heart and I want to be his for as long as he'll have me. I need to start taking care of myself, forgiving, and moving forward with Joe by my side. 

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

1. I remember them as a child and it’s much easier! -Joy Thompson
2. I remind myself that I forgive not for them but for me and that it’s easier to forgive than to hang on to so much anger, hurt and betrayal. -Sarah Clark
3. I just acknowledge that we are humans, so we are allowed to make mistakes. -Haydee Lizbeth Lopez Cruz
4. Remind yourself that they are not separate from you; they only appear that way. Then you will realize you are one, and it is yourself you are forgiving. -Justin Hayden
5. Do not keep thinking of the past or the bad thing that happened; when you let go of it, you get over the anger/bitterness that you felt and it clears the path of forgiveness! The best thing is time! -Ashna Singh
6. Remember that we are all doing the best we can at the time. -Diane Paul
7. Remind yourself of how much forgiveness would mean to you if it was your turn for a mistake! – Carol Mcbride-Safford
8. Wayne Dwyer describes how hate is love which has been turned around. Seeing the expression of what can’t be forgiven as love makes it easier to forgive. Were also all doing the best we can, according to our own evolutionary state, including those we find hard to forgive. – Lise Heeley
9. Because it takes less energy to love and forgive than it does to stay angry and hold a grudge. It brings peace to your life. -Linda Adams
10. I know that I need to forgive someone, not for their benefit, but for my own peace of mind. Don’t do it for them, do it for you! -Cathryn Kent
11. You remember why you love them. Love is about forgiveness.- Holly Chapman
12. Forgiveness comes easier with the passing of time. I tend to find that, if I am wronged, I forgive the person before they forgive themselves, and when I am in need of forgiveness, it is I who feels the guilt for longer. -Mandy Richardson
13. Stop thinking and just do it. Open your heart and forgive. -Lindsey Windrow
14. Don’t force it. If I don’t feel forgiving, I can at least not act on my anger. Eventually forgiveness will come if you welcome it. -Julie Trottier
15. Just learn to smile and let things go. -Sudharma Lama
16. Give up on all hope of a better past. -Matt Child
17. Every time you think of them send them love. After a while it gets easy. -Crystal Chang
18. Meditate, meditate and meditate some more until it’s gone! -Margot Knight-Guijt
19. The harder it is to forgive someone else, the more I am responsible. When I understand and forgive myself, forgiving others is easy. -Pamela Picard
20. Two different approaches. One involves restoring your boundaries and sense of protection first. The other involves focusing on what your body is feeling and stop dwelling on the offense. Both involve being present. -Chris Campa
21. Forgiveness comes easy when you know that what people say or do is about them, it’s not about you. -Kim Kings
22. Shift the focus, feel the pain and think of the thousands of others in the world who are also feeling the same pain, then send a loving-kindness message to everyone to be relieved of this suffering. -Nick Ong
23. When it happens I often ask myself “What strengths must I develop further from this?” Often the feeling of resentment just goes away, slowly but surely, because I wasn’t focusing on the person that wronged me, but the lesson that the event was trying to tell me. -Natassia Callista Alicia
24. I allow myself to feel again whatever I didn’t express “in the moment” when I was with them. Forgiveness always seem to follow those (usually) difficult emotions. -Cynthia Ruprecht Hunt
25. Write a brutally honest, emotionally raw letter telling them how much they have hurt and angered you, then tear it up and burn it. As you watch the smoke rise, think about the fact that you are not that hurt and that anger. It is fleeting, just like everything else. As the smoke carrying your hurt and disappointment disappears into the air, you can let it go. -Renate Wuersig
26. For some wrongs, I just have to remember that they are responsible for their actions and then it is easier for me to just let it be. -Karen Garland
27. By remembering that it will free me from the burden of the stress I feel, also, if I can’t forgive then how can I expect to ever be forgiven? -Leslie Brown
28. Just look to the future instead of focusing on what’s past…think of creating new good memories to wipe away old bad ones. -Elizabeth Lindsay
29. It becomes easy when you remember a time when you were forgiven, centering on how it made you feel. -Louisya Graves
30. Understand this: whether you like it or not, over time, you will stop feeling the pain, so why hold on to something that’s going to away anyway? -Nirav KAKU

How did I forgive when it was hard? I came to this realization: no one ever gets to the end of their life and thinks, “I wish I stayed angry longer.” They generally say one of three things: “I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” or “I love you.”

After taking space to heal myself, I decided to cut out the middle man of time. I now set boundaries to take better care of me, but I’ll never regret that I’ve forgiven.

<3 Lets send love to make it better 

I need some answers

What is the right thing to do when you know he isn't right for you but you want it so bad?--how many chances can you give

What is the right thing to do when you miss him but you know you're only going to get hurt?--and he says he misses  you baby

What is the right thing to do when  your head and your heart don't agree?--how do you be true to yourself?

Is it wrong that following your heart has led you here?--and you think its time to get smart rather than just feel

Is it wrong that you want something better?--even though it's not someone better

Do  you waste another few weeks to find out he is leaving you anyway?--dedicate your summer to a boy who doesn't really want you?

Get off my Xanga Joe

So right now I am sitting in Joe's room watching him type a memo for some stupid class....he does his homework now a days.

Not going to lie, I am lost.So here is a quick update...

Since November, Joe hooked up with Elyse, tried to go out with her, I became crazy, almost survived my entire co-op, and lost control of my life.

Since the summer we all know how crazy I became. I wanted Joe back in my life more than I wanted anything in the world. When he finally texted me back that day it was like everything was spinning out of control again. Imagine wanting something so bad that you go crazy for it..and imagine it actually coming back. Although its not the same as you thought it would be, its still there. So I found my Joe again. He came back to me in a very little way and I found my best friend. Although we weren't the same and God knows we never will be, I had my baby. My whole world was crazy and I was more afraid that happy but at least I was going somewhere and I knew that if I tried hard enough he would be there next to me for the ride.I thought that I could try and make it work. I think i may have tried a little too hard and got the wrong message across altogether.

So now that we have gotten through him making out with the cunt, we are in a new phase that isn't any better. The girl still lingers and decides to make my life hell just for funsies. She does stupid shit that makes me want to kill her, just so she isn't rude -_- ..... I hate her. But I'm sure we all knew that one. So last night me and Joe of course got into a fight, even though I think we are fighting less than normal. Vince brought Elyse over because they are "good friends" even though I think she just wanted to start drama..shes a girl...girls love drama. And as she is walking out the door she felt the need to say "bye Joe". I can't blame him for anything because he is trying to make her go away, he is just handling things the same way I would. Ignore her as best he can and try and not talk about the situation as much as possible. Out of sight, out of mind. However, I am having trouble dealing. I love him with all my heart and I wish I could put the past in the past but it's easier said than done.

We have a heart to heart and talk about whats really going on with both of us.

Turns out he wants to live the same single life he was dying for in the summer. I want a best friend. He wants to be able to do whatever he wants, have complete control of his life, and be able to have me around whenever the rest of that stuff isn't going on. I want to start building a future with someone. Although I guess it is kinda creepy that I am thinking about the future and my life outside of school, I can't help it. College is almost over and I don't want to start my real like all alone. I want my best friend to be there with me, enjoying it with me. He wants to make friends and enjoy that aspect of his life. I want him to be happy and honestly if I could trust him enough to let him be free and just come home to me some nights, I would. I am too scared and way to damaged to try. I've tried and that's what has gotten me to the point I am at today. I am broken and sad. I just want my baby. If he needs to be social and all those things than that's fine...I just wish he would help fix me first, just a little, so I can be comfortable with it to.

The only bad thing is that takes time, and he doesn't want to waste anymore time.

He feels as if he wasted a lot of time, and I guess he did, but I wish he would waste a little time on me. I'm not going to lie and say that I want him to have a large circle of girlfriends because I don't but maybe if I were able to trust him I would be o.k. with it instead of hating life.

Anyway....

i wok up this morning and went through his text messages and found that he went to a party and lied to me...with the twats (his coworkers). Danielle and I went to go see him on Friday and he told us how tired he was..aka I am going to a party. Anyway, I was wrong for going through his phone but he was wrong for lying to me. It has been his thing lately, lying to me to keep his ass out of trouble. Meh, things have been rough and I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Today was rough and this week in general has sucked pretty bad.

Got my tooth removed and it was by far the most painful thing of my life. I punched the closet and got cuts on my knuckles because I am an idiot. Fighting with Joe, a paper due, no work almost all week. Things haven't been good but at least I am sitting in his bed right now. I know that if my life were to fall through right now he would be there to help me. We have some things to work out and we both need to decide is being together is what is best for both of us. But for now he is my whole world. I wouldn't give him up for anything and I am pretty confident in knowing that he loves me a whole lot. 

He made me dinner last night :) he was really cute it just sucks that things that are sometimes out of our control have to come in and ruin shit. The lying needs to stop and he needs to give me just a little more to make me feel a little security, but I think we will be o.k. somehow. He has been with me through undoubtely the worse times of my life. I want him there for the very best ones too...just isn't going to be easy. If I learned anything through all of this, I learned that I will do whatever it takes, work as hard as I can, to keep him around. I love him more than I will love anyone and I honestly believe that he would be realllly great at being my husband :p i don't want to give up yet. I'm not ready to let it all go to waste just yet.

So here is to giving it one more try...I need to work on giving him some space and making a better life for myself too. So if we can figure it out maybe we can get through this. Who knows..

I love him <3

worst i've ever been

I have never actually said that I hated my life and meant it...until now.

I am drowning in everything and there is not one aspect of my life that is o.k. right now. Nothing is being strong and holding me up right when I really need something or someone to be strong. I don't have anything or anyone right now. My family hates me and hates each other, what little family there is actually left. My uh boyfriend, significant other, best friend, love of my life?, Joe hates me too. I don't have anyone to talk to because Joe really was my best friend. I just want to cry and just have someone hold me while I cry. I know that I cant fix anything and that I kind of just need to let some time pass but this is the worst time ever. I don't have any money so Christmas is going to be terrible. I have been in the worst spirits because I have been so down lately so I am not even enjoying Christmas in the slightest. I have 5 finals coming up in the next two weeks along with getting ready for my job and new winter class. Plus Christmas shopping and my Dad and Mike's birthday this week. 

I really just need someone to hold me for a while and just talk to me. That doesn't exist when I really need it.

Good luck Courtney. Hold on tight and try to make it through this in one piece.

...For the first time in forever I don't feel like I am strong enough to make it through this time...

HELP ME, please :( even if you don't love me anymore. I just need you :'(

What a crazy day aka the worst day in a long time

Today started off hugging and kissing and he wanted more...i begged no and he got a blow job.

I went to class with hopes of seeing him and then he left.

ignored me.

and wants nothing to do with me.

How could I let this happen again?

I'm so stupid.

I listened to you have fun while I sat and cried in the cold.

Story of my life.

ugh </3

somehow i felt safer walking around Cook tonight in the cold after 11:00 o clock tonight than I've felt with him in a while. He had me today. Played a really good game.

He even held my hand.< / 3

And somehow I still know that he is going to ignore this, play games with his roommates until he is tired and just go to bed.

I'll lay in bed tonight, barely sleeping and cry as quiet as I can because I can't talk to anyone anymore about this.

Who wants to listen anymore?

I'm embarrassed anyway.

Goodnight again

I'm really lost right now.